


Better Use

by koenigs_bambina



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Have you ever licked a lamp post in winter?, Suggestive Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 12:38:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6470260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koenigs_bambina/pseuds/koenigs_bambina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alistair licks a lamp post in winter... and gets stuck.</p>
<p>"Once he was thoroughly satisfied with what he had done, he pulled away. Rather, he attempted to pull away. Alistair’s eyes went wide. 'Oh Maker no.'"</p>
<p>Rescue attempts, bad jokes, and some sexy flirting ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Use

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kat/gifts).



Alistair Therin was a very clever man. He thought so, at least… Which is why, upon passing a rather frozen lamppost deep in the Frostback Mountains, he came up with the brilliant idea to stick out his tongue and give it a thorough taste.

“Oh, this’ll be hilarious,” he giggled excitedly to his companion. 

Unfortunately, the mabari didn’t seem to agree- or understand what could be so funny about a lamp. 

Alistair rolled his eyes at Dog’s less than amused expression, “You know, because of the conversation Katerina and I had? About lamp posts? And tongues? Alright, nevermind. The point is, I’m going to lick it.”

Dog shot Alistair a doubtful look, but the self-assured face held fast. He shrugged and plopped down in the snow. It was a truly stupid idea, but who was he to stop an idiot from doing something idiotic? 

“Right, here we go.” Making a show of it, Alistair slid up to the lamp post and prepared himself. He grasped the pole and lowered his head, using the flat of his tongue to leave a long swipe up the front. 

Once he was thoroughly satisfied with what he had done, he pulled away. Rather, he attempted to pull away. Alistair’s eyes went wide.  _ Oh Maker no _ . The frost had fastened his tongue to the post, and it did not seem like it was letting go anytime soon. 

Panicked, Alistair attempted to yank back. His tongue held fast. He grappled with his fingers, pushing at the sides of it. Nothing. His shocked stare shifted to Dog, who was now rolling in the snow, barking hysterically.

“Thith ithn’t fuh’hy!” He tried to exclaim; inability to enunciate only furthering the canine’s amusement. Alistair grasped the post, shifting his posture to knock Dog with his foot. “Dahg, go geh’ helf’!” The mabari growled at the kick, hoisting himself to his feet. How was it his responsibility to get the moron out of another dumb situation? 

“Now!”

Dog fixed him with a withering glare. This was Alistair’s fault, not his. Yet the big human insisted upon being rude. Dog would get help alright… but not the kind Alistair was looking for. 

He bobbed his head in a canine nod and trotted back through the trees. 

_ Stupid Alistair. Stupid, stupid Alistair.  _ Why did he think licking a frozen lamp post would be a good idea? Sure it was hilarious, but this was definitely not worth it. His mouth was beginning to get cold, and he was hunched in a way that did not lend to comfort.  _ Oh well. At least I won’t be here for long. Camp isn’t far.  _

He was right. Not long after Dog had sent out for help, someone came to get Alistair. However, that someone was about the worst person for the job.

“Hewo?” Alistair called to the sound of snow crunching under steps, “whoth thewe?”

“ ‘Tis I,” Morrigan answered, stepping into view. “The canine came to me and indicated that you required my assistance. I can see why.” She took in the ridiculous sight before her. “This is most amusing. Tell me, is this something that imbeciles regularly do?”

“Ha, ha, ha.,” sarcasm bleed into his impeded speech, “Shuh uh.” 

“Would you like my help or not?”

Alistair sighed. Morrigan was not his favorite person… if she could even be considered a person... but she was the only one present. Beggars can’t be choosers. “...Yeth.” 

“Very well.” She smiled slyly and walked to the pole, snapping fire to her fingers.

Alistair’s eyes grew to the size of cheese wheels. His hands shot towards her in attempt to make a barricade. “Woah woah! Wha’ awh’ yew dewin’!?”

“I am going to remove your tongue from this post,” she explained nonchalantly, starting forward again.

“Nuh. Nuh way yer ge’in’ nea’ me wi’ ‘at.” 

“Dost thou not trust me?” Alistair didn’t even have to say anything, his eyes spoke for him. Morrigan was going to burn him- or cut off his tongue- or set him on fire and leave him stuck to the post. No way. “I will not harm you, I am simply going to-”

“NUH! Go geh’ somewuh’ el’the!” He exclaimed, swatting at her. 

The amusement remained in her expression. She had to admit that she did not dislike scaring Alistair, but she would never hurt him… intentionally. He was a baby. A large, dumb baby. “Very well.” She turned towards the treeline, “I will seek out alternative assistance.”

With that, she was gone, and Alistair was left alone… again. 

If he was being honest, it actually wasn’t that bad. Sure his tongue was numb and his neck was starting to ache, but at least he had a nice view. In fact, after a while, a snowy nug appeared. It kept popping in and out of holes in the ground, snuffling for food. It was kind of cute.  _ Katerina would love this. _ He thought, grinning.

Unfortunately, when the loud call of a swaggering Antivan sounded through the trees, Alistair’s new companion was scared off. Morrigan found him a savior, and this savior just happened to be his second least favorite person in Thedas.

“Hellooo?” Zevran called. “Alistair, my friend, where are you? Morrigan said something about you and a pole, and- Oh.” He burst through the treeline. “This is not what I was expecting.”

He stepped around the lamp post, contemplating the situation very seriously. Alistair began to hope that this meant Zevran was truly there to help. However, his dreams were swiftly shattered when his flamboyant savior stopped in front of him and opened his mouth.

“I am glad to see that you have been practicing your lovemaking skills- But I do not think that winter is the best time to do it.”

“Zeh’wan’ jus’ geh’ me oph dis ‘ole.” Alistair groaned. He had enough torture from Morrigan, he didn’t need anymore- especially not from the failed assassin.

“I’m sorry, but I do not understand what you are saying. I think the pole may have something to do with it.” Zevran responded without any hint of sarcasm. Then he got a look in his eye- the one he always had before he said something that made Alistair’s ears red. “You know…”

_ Maker’s breath! Don’t you do it.  _ But there was no stopping it. Zevran was already seated cross legged in the snow, yammering on and on about strange sexual encounters he had had involving lamp posts. 

Apparently there had been plenty, because by the time Alistair’s attention focused back on him- which was quite a while later- he had moved on to another subject. 

“I can think of at least three or four other places that you could have put your tongue. All of which would be much more comfortable, and  _ moist _ -”

“Zeh’wan! Ah muh’ ah I apwee’th’iate duh ad’wice’, we hauh’ mowah’ impo’tan’ i’thu’th.” Alistair managed, his mouth now completely numb.

“Oh!” Zevran exclaimed, “yes, of course!” He lept to his feet. “Though I did not think to bring anything to free you- Morrigan said that you had simply asked for me to keep you company.”  _ Of course she did. _ “I suppose that I could just use one of these?” 

“Ah yew in’thane!?” Alistair cried, smacking away yet another of his companions.  _ They are all trying to kill me. For every stupid joke I’ve made, they are trying to kill me, tongue-first. _

“Ah, I suppose you are right,” Zevran paused, staring down at his daggers. “I would not want to damage something that brings our leader much happiness. Although, if you don’t mind me stepping in for the time being, we could-”

That was it. Alistair had had enough of this. “Zeh’wan! Geh ou’ ov’ ‘ere!”

He smiled brilliantly, spirit unbroken by the clear disdain for his behavior that Alistair showed. “Very well, my fine frozen friend. But do let me know about my participation in the future, yes?”

He strut into the trees, silence slowly creeping in with each step he took.  _ Thank the Maker,  _ Alistair huffed, relieved to be alone again.  _ Wait… I’m alone.  _ He groaned aloud, remembering that he was still very much stuck to a lamp post. 

Steeling his nerves, Alistair attempted to pull back yet again. He gripped the post as tightly as he could and stepped backwards. 

_ Okay, this could work.  _ He took another small step, and then another.  _ Just one more and I should be able to get myself free.  _ Feeling confident, Alistair lifted his left leg without looking and stepped back- onto a patch of ice. His foot slipped back, sending him nose-first into the lamp post. 

“Andwaste’s knickeths!” 

The benefit of having his face practically frozen was that Alistair could not feel the throbbing pain of smashing his face into a pole. The downfall was… well everything else. He felt defeated. He had been out there for what seemed like ages, and his only rescue attempts were also poorly planned murders. 

_ This is it. This is how I go. People will say “Oh, what happened to Alistair?” Someone else will reply “Didn’t you hear? He died. Frozen. With his tongue stuck somewhere it shouldn’t have been.” “What a sad, pathetic man.” And then they’ll nod solemnly and go back to living their happy, unfrozen lives.  _ He slumped against the pole, forehead pressed to the icy surface.  _ I wonder if Katertina will mourn me. _

“Alistair?” 

His head shot up at the sound of her voice, “Kat?” 

She stepped around to the front of the post, holding a pitcher of steaming water. Her eyebrows were raised in sarcastic judgement. A suppressed smile winning out over a concerned frown. “What in the name of the creators are you doing?”

“I though’ yew wou’ thin’ ih wath fuhney.” He shrugged. Embarrassment burned through him. It had to be his sweet, ethereal love- who was far too good for him in the first place- who would finally save his icy butt.  _ Maker, she must think I’m daft. _

Much to his relief, she cracked up. She shook her head with adoration in her eyes. “I might think it’s funnier when you’re not about to lose your tongue to hypothermia.”

“Thas faiw.”

Still giggling quietly, she walked to him, tipping the jug over his tongue. Warmth spread back into him, and after a moment, the pole’s grip began to loosen.

Soon enough, he was free. His mouth was gaining feeling, and his neck no longer ached. He was back to normal- Well, as normal as Alistair could be. 

He was grinning like mad. “You are a beautiful, wonderful woman, do you know that?” 

“I do,” she nodded, placing the jug at her feet. 

This gave Alistair the opportunity to scoop her up into his arms and place sloppy kisses all over her face.

“You are my hero- People will sing songs of your heroism!” And then a thought occurred to him, “Wait. How did you know where where I was?”

“I noticed that you had been gone quite a while. And then I noticed that Dog, Morrigan, and Zevran looked more pleased with themselves than usual. It only took a little questioning before they cracked and told me what had happened.”

Alistair harrumphed. He would get them back for all this. The whole lot of them. _ They won’t know what hit them! _ He looked at his strong, confident savior. They would have to wait. He had a joke to finish, and a woman to properly thank. “Well thank you for your rescue. You cannot imagine the torture I went through before you got here.” She quirked her brow- apparently she did know. “But I think it was all worth it, because...”

“Yes?” Katerina readied herself for the punchline. With Alistair it was never an  _ if,  _ it was a  _ when. _

“I finally licked a lamp post in winter,” he smirked. Pride flowed through him as remembrance of their conversation passed over her face.

Katerina groaned. Of course that was what he had nearly died for. An age old joke referring to his virginity. She had to applaud the commitment. 

_ Whatever will I do with him?  _ She thought lovingly. He was such a handsome fool. But he was  _ her  _ handsome fool. The poor man looked scared to death that she didn’t find him as charming as he was. He had suffered enough that day- it was time he be rewarded.

“Yes.” Katerina placed a soft kiss to his lips, smiling lightly. “I suppose you have.” Another kiss. “Now.” Another. “I think it is time that we go back to camp-” One more. “get some hot cocoa...” This time she paused a hair’s breadth before his lips, “and put your tongue to better use.”

Alistair’s eyes went wide with the abrupt suggestion- that was not how he thought she would take this joke. Not that he was complaining.

Katerina stepped away from him with hooded lids and parted lips. His arm extended forward as she walked back, fingers still twined with hers, reaching.

Who was he to refuse such an offer? He did have to thank her after all. What better way than to use what she had saved? Alistair exhaled an excited breath.

“Anything you say, my dear.” He trailed after her, cheeks red with more than the returning warmth. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift for Kat and her Warden. Thank you for putting up with my shitty writing and always being there for me.
> 
> As always,  
> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> My tumblr is koenigs-bambina
> 
> Follow me if you like!
> 
> Comment with suggestions, prompts, or tips!


End file.
